Chronic Insomnia: My Experience
Throughout my childhood and into my mid-twenties, I experienced the beauty of restorative sleep. I could embrace late nights, yet I found joy in going to bed early, awakening refreshed and ready to seize the day.
Life took a dramatic turn after I became a mother. Along with the joys and challenges of raising children, I also navigated a new chapter marked by the introduction of SSRI antidepressants in my late twenties.
These medications brought some much-needed relief from my most intense struggles, but they also ushered in a cascade of unexpected side effects. Chief among these was the relentless grip of insomnia, a battle I've fought for years, leaving me feeling drained and on edge.
It was a mixed bag of relief and new challenges that shaped my journey in profound ways.
For years, I've battled chronic insomnia, a relentless foe often fueled by the effects of severe Restless Legs Syndrome—a condition that crept in after I started using antidepressant medication.
In the early days, the symptoms were manageable, allowing me to explore various at-home remedies. Stretching routines and light exercises became my allies in this fight, easing the discomfort and helping me reclaim some peace during those frenzied nights.
As a full-time teacher dealing with overwhelming fatigue, I started to struggle with my ongoing work and trying to teach and inspire my students while often feeling like a shadow of my former self.
This relentless exhaustion drained every bit of energy left in my body and mind, making it hard to tackle any other tasks during the day.
It's a tough cycle that turns each day into an uphill battle. I know all too well what it feels like to take work home and put in extra hours, just trying to keep up and give my best to the students we care about.
Over the years, I embarked on a relentless quest to find effective solutions for chronic insomnia, often accompanied by related conditions such as depression and anxiety.
This journey involved consulting various physicians and exploring different treatment options. As part of my quest, I ventured into the realm of sleep aids, experimenting with numerous prescription medications in a desperate search for improved sleep quality and overall well-being.
What I wasn’t aware of, and what my doctor might not have fully realized despite my complaints about restless legs syndrome (RLS), is that most prescription sleep medications can make RLS symptoms worse.
Before I made this connection, I was at a loss. No matter how diligently I practiced good sleep hygiene or how exhausted I felt, my sleep medications seemed to be doing nothing to help.
I was isolated and ashamed in my experience and began to think it was my fault.
This journey involved consulting various physicians and exploring different treatment options. As part of my quest, I ventured into the realm of sleep aids, experimenting with numerous prescription medications in a desperate search for improved sleep quality and overall well-being.
What I wasn’t aware of, and what my doctor might not have fully realized despite my complaints about restless legs syndrome (RLS), is that most prescription sleep medications can make RLS symptoms worse.
Before I made this connection, I was at a loss. No matter how diligently I practiced good sleep hygiene or how exhausted I felt, my sleep medications seemed to be doing nothing to help.
I was isolated and ashamed in my experience and began to think it was my fault.
In my quest to understand what was happening to me, I read extensively about sleep studies worldwide and tried every remedy I could find.
It was only when I started piecing everything together that the full picture emerged: it wasn't just traditional hypnotics causing the problem; I found out that sedating antihistamines and even melatonin supplements would amplify the symptoms of RLS. This revelation opened my eyes to the broader impact of these substances on my well-being!
In addition, I discovered that RLS itself is independently classified as a sleep disorder, and one that brings with it a whole host of sleep-related complex behaviors that I otherwise had no explanation for.
For example, I discovered that the sleep aid medications I was taking, combined with RLS, resulted in a range of strange behaviors, including sleepwalking and even indulging in sleep eating, where I would mindlessly consume food while in a daze.
When I started to look into Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS), I stumbled upon numerous informative articles that resonated
As if everything wasn't already overwhelming, I started experiencing the symptoms of menopause, and it felt like a switch flipped inside me.
My already precarious circadian rhythm, that reliable internal clock, seemed to shatter overnight. In the fall of 2019, I first noticed a steep decline in my sleep, marking the beginning of a restless journey into the unknown. I was heading for a breakdown.
Around this time, I was offered the opportunity to attend Sleep School at Avanova, courtesy of my workers' medical insurance. Excited yet anxious, I dove into the experience, hoping to unravel the mystery of my restless nights.
However, despite my best efforts, I was told my sleep patterns were too erratic for the coach to make sense of my sleep chart. In the end, they discontinued my journey in this program.
Plagued by sleepless nights, I struggled desperately to keep my job and perform to the best of my ability for my students.
Unfortunately, the implication of insomnia on my cognition, memory, and attention had begun to take its toll and became impossible to ignore.
However, despite my best efforts, I was told my sleep patterns were too erratic for the coach to make sense of my sleep chart. In the end, they discontinued my journey in this program.
Plagued by sleepless nights, I struggled desperately to keep my job and perform to the best of my ability for my students.
Unfortunately, the implication of insomnia on my cognition, memory, and attention had begun to take its toll and became impossible to ignore.
It was in this way, under the guidance of my physician, that I arrived at the decision to discontinue my antidepressant medication- the very same substance that was at the center of my battle with insomnia and RLS.
Unfortunately, this well-intentioned decision led to a significant chemical imbalance in my body, resulting in a severe burnout and a turbulent mental health crisis in 2020, which ultimately landed me in the hospital.
A new development in my journey with insomnia revealed itself in 2023 when, having been accepted at the renowned Karolinska sleep lab in Huddinge, I found myself ready to undergo a sleep monitoring test. Since my restless leg syndrome strikes without fail when I try to settle down, I came armed with my trusty heating pad and ice packs, my go-to weapons against RLS.
The results, though not shocking, were still disheartening. I struggled to fall asleep until the early hours of the morning, just as the test neared its conclusion. During the brief hour or so I did manage to drift off, the findings revealed low sleep efficiency due to persistent Periodic Limb Movement (PML).
PLM is a condition characterized by involuntary movements or jerks in the legs or arms that occur every 20 to 40 seconds during sleep. This leads to poor sleep efficiency and quality.
I was paying the price the next day. In other words, even when I manage to sleep, my body is never fully at rest.
Most people with RLS also experience PLM. In fact, PLM is present in upwards of 80% of all RLS cases.
This information showed me that even if RLS symptoms are not present, my sleep quality is still gravely diminished because of PLM.
After 22 years in the Swedish school system, a place that had long felt like my second home, I reached a point where I could no longer continue teaching. In 2024, I made the difficult decision to resign.
Sleep had made me become a mere shadow of my former self; I felt like I was slipping away like fine sand through my fingers.
I completely understand how difficult it can be to comprehend those long nights spent tossing and turning, pacing the floor, trapped in a relentless waking nightmare. There I am, wide awake for an agonizing 24 hours or more, with some nights stretching to an unbelievable 36 or even 48 hours without a moment's peace. During those disorienting episodes, reality began to twist and warp, becoming almost unrecognizable.
One of the most tormenting aspects of this condition is the overwhelming anxiety that stems from its unpredictability. I often find myself on edge, not knowing when an irresistible wave of exhaustion will suddenly overtake me like a tidal force. It's a peculiar, disconcerting sensation that can strike at any moment—whether I'm going about my day in the bright light of afternoon, working in the early evening, or even in the stillness of the early morning.
When it hits, I have no choice but to surrender to it, closing my eyes and succumbing to sleep despite the chaos around me. It is at these times in particular that I am sadly reminded that planning my days and keeping to my routines have become only a distant memory. Each collapse into sleep leaves me grappling with a lingering helplessness, as the uncertainty of when the next wave will crash down on me hangs heavy in the air.
There have been countless moments when I've caught myself dozing off at work—whether slumped over my desk or, even more awkwardly, in the middle of staff meetings. The nagging concern about my performance and energy levels had woven itself into the fabric of my everyday life, turning into a constant source of stress and distraction.
I'm in desperate need of conquering my battles with chronic insomnia; even the slightest improvement would make a world of difference in the quality of my life.
Not sleeping at night has taken a toll, leaving me unable to engage in the activities I once cherished. I find myself yearning for the simple joys of meaningful, productive work; vibrant morning and afternoon adventures; family gatherings; and those important events that once filled my calendar with light.
Anxiety now looms over me, as I worry about obligations that I fear I may not meet. My world seems to shrink by the day. Yet, despite the ongoing challenges and the worsening of my symptoms, I cling to the hope that change is within reach, especially with the right combination of treatments and medications. I believe that brighter days are ahead!
